I wonder if she is trying to push me away? Today was bad. One of our worse days together. Things between us are different. The lies are gone but the tension is high. She would be in a really good mood one second, then instantly she was yelling at me. Again I felt in the wrong. Maybe it's me... maybe we are to brake up in the end?

I honostly don't think college will work. She is VERY obsessive over guys. Worse then Sara, Brittney and even Charity. Anything out of her mouth is usually about another guy. Whether she's creaming over one, or constantly talking about one. It's really un-attractive.

I'm starting to see the single life again. She didn't ever care today when I was upset or hurt. She failed test one. Go figure, I'm still not worth a struggle or fight.

What happened was we were in the basement and she started to get pissy when I was trying to make her in a good mood. She was REALLY negative towards everyone. Me, her dad, her sister. Her dad asked us to walk to the store and I said sure but she didn't want to. She came anyways. The WHOLE way there (which takes about 15-20 minutes) she didn't look at me or say a word. She walked ahead of me and eventually I just stopped hoping she would turn around and even look at me. She didn't. She kept going. We got to the store and got what we needed.

On the way back was when the fire started. We started getting into arguements about our relationship. I told her how I felt and I threw Mark and Scott and her betrayel back in her face. She claimed she was sorry but she can't change anything. When I told her she needed to change herself she said she has tried and I brought up how she didn't even bother trying to make me happy when I was hurt by her. She didn't have anything to really say to it. I let her know that was the first step and she still hadn't even taken it. I can't see us staying together. Infact I want to brake up with her and just save myself the trouble but a big part of me still believes things will work. She can change... maybe I can learn to trust again? I love her so much. If I lost her now I loose more then just a girlfriend. I loose a best friend. A lover. A companion.

I've lost the feeling that comes with imagining my kids. The kids I dreamt about one day having with Molly. I used to be able to close my eyes and think of the son(s), or daughter(s) I wanted to have so badly with her. Now I try to imagine this, and alas, nothing. Not a smile, an image or a feeling of hapiness. Not even a hope. I feel nothing. Could this be linked to the complete loss of trust and hope for Molly and I? Do we even stand a chance anymore? It seemed before, when I could trust her, before all of her lies and infedilities, I was the happiest I have ever been. She brought out someone in me that hasn't seen the light of the world since about 3rd grade. I was in love.

My dreams about her were limitless. Anything anyone could ever want I dreamt was possible. The pain I have endured and the constant screams of my heart now makes a bullet wound seem like nothing. Yet... sometimes I wish I could've welcome one before all of this. That is if I knew this was going to hurt this much. That is, knowing that this was going to hurt this much. I'm mumb. My hope for change, for the faith of the entire human race is gone. Can people really change? Can a repeated constants mistake strengthen the weakness of one's will? Or is it true? "

Constant grinding can turn even an iron rod into a needle."

The Pain has subsided. Right now this flame of anger is in my control. I froze it in the bottom of my heart. It's only a matter of time though, until an explosion occurs. My icey cold heart. Something I melted a long time ago.

The first girl I ever loved taught me to have faith. Not just in God, but in the ones I love. She taught me a lot actually. I am who I am because of her. One thing to this day I never learned though was how to "forgive and forget". Not even for her.

Her and I haven't been together for almost 3 years now. What was once love between us in now only a memory to our families and closest friends. It doesn't even exist anymore. Well, not the same love we had anyways. I can only see her like my little bratty sister. Nothing more. But I still never learned to forgive her.

How do I forgive Molly now? I can't even forgive and forget something that doesn't even matter to me anymore. Is it even possible to "forgive" if you can't "forget"?

"Everything will fall apart. Even the people who never frown will eventually brake down." ~ Pushing Me Away by Linkin Park

How long can I go on like this? Ignore it and it will go away? This is actually the little "theory" that caused this pain and assualt on my heart... my soul.

"The sacrafice of never knowing...." ~Pushing Me Away by Linkin Park

If I never knew what Molly did would I have to "forgive and forget"? Or is it actually better to know what kind of person she really is before I decide one day to give my heart to her? Before I devote my life to her? Even if it means loosing her? For all I know she can do it again behind my back and not tell me about it. She could get away with it again. How do I know she won't do it again?

I have heard the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater". Is this true?

I mean I understand that once you have cheated on someone, you can NEVER EVER say "I have never cheated on anyone" again. But does this mean that if they have cheated once they will cheat again? I just don't know...