It's been quite a while since I have vented here. My heart has been broken and torn up over and over this week by one special girl. By her.

We broke up a few months ago. She was blowing me off everyday to spend time with other guys. Everyday. She would then call me at the end of the night to talk to me for 15 minutes. As if that was all I was worth to her anymore. On our 2 years, she promised me we would talk. I would get a time to call her, or be given a time she would call. Each time it was "Later" or "Sorry I was busy, I was gonna call honostly." She blew me off and then after the WHOLE day of this, she made plans that night to go out with some guys who showed up at her door. She said she wouldn't be back in until after midnight. I told her if she hung up with me and walked out that door with those guys, it showed how important I actually was to her, and I was gonna end it. She didn't care. This wasn't even a dent into her cold heart. She was selfish and uncaring of my love for her and pain I was going through day after day of this. I broke up with her. On our 2 year. After I spent the day with her family at family camp. Who knew it would be the last time I would look at that family as if it were my own. Giving Betsy piggy back rides from camp to the bottom of camp. Helping her collect sticks for the rabbits. Playing in the creek. Sitting around shooting the shit with everyone. The family I grew to love like my own.


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! #&%*! %@#( *@!& %_)^#@&!*

I screamed that night I left her. I cried so hard. I bawled my eyes out and my Mom came and pulled me into her bedroom to talk. I told her everything. Everything that ever hurt. She knows everything about Molly and I now. She knows everything I stood for about her. Everything I wanted to be for her. Everything I despised that happened to her with the rape, and cheating. The cheating... oh god... My Mom told me a story about My Father and Her. She understood how I felt. More than I thought she would.

I prayed for the first time in who knows how long. I prayed harder then I prayed the night I thought about ending everything. Way back in the winter after Charity and I fell apart. I prayed to God; "Lord if you really are there. Show me. Have compassion on Me. On her. Make everything right and the way it should be." Well, I don't know what I believe in anymore. I lost my love, my life that night.

I saw her the weekend of Thanksgiving. We returned our stuff. We talked. We kisses. We cuddled. It was suppose to bring closure and understaning to everything.

After that, we were friends again. We were happy with each other as much as I missed her. I worried about her. To the point where it scared me about her new lifestyle. Sleeping with a guy who drinks all the time. He drinks, gets drunk, and comes into her room and passes out with her in bed. This was ok to her. He had a gf. He cheated on his girlfriend with her. Not just playing around but fucking her. She used him as a Sexual Relief and vice versa. That was the agreement. *sighs* SHe has changed so much. She thinks she is a grown up now. But in reality she is just a Brat poisoned by freedom and the ability to get guys into bed with her. That isn't Molly. Her cousin even has called her some rotten names. As if she was a shame to the name of Wyns. Why is it she changed. She was such a good person when I met her. Now she is ... this. A monster living in the north keeping captive my heart.

We had a falling out last week. I finally couldn't contain my pain and anger any longer and shouted stuff on her voice mail I regret more then anything out of that entire relationship. She hung up on me, and blamed me for our relationship. As if I made her cheat on me, and break my trust over and over and over. As if I was the reason. Well that means I am a failure. Like my father. I drove her to cheat on me. I drove her to all her wrongs. I wasn't there for her. I was a bad boyfriend.

We have been at each other's throats non stop since then on her journal. A HUGE blog war. I am torn apart by the words "I regret ever going out with you." That's the only thing that plays in my head when I think of her. My heart bursts into flames each time too. I shut everyone out this last two weeks. I felt useless to this world. Especially last night. Kelli and Molly both made me feel like shit. My used to be best friends. Both left me. Kelli and I haven't been close since Dave came along. Mike and Kelli even. Dave is my friend but he needs to seriously start growing up and understanding he can't live off other people. Kelli needs to quit supporting him. Molly said some pretty nasty things about him and she doesn't even know him. Kelli says nasty things about Molly to me. But when they both jumped on me at my weakest of times, the time I would need a friend the most, it was to much for me to handle. I broke down inside. Majorly.

For the first time in years I felt so worthless. I felt like they would be happier if I didn't exist. I felt like ending it again. I honostly wanted to drink myself to death. I didn't want to wake up the next day. Not alive, which would be a step above how I have felt recently. For the first time, I wanted to end my world for theirs. What good is a piece of shit like me in this world. If all I am is a regret to the one girl I loved more than life itself. If by caring for all my friends evenly, and doing what's best for all of them I was a dick for. It's a good thing Dave and Elise were there. Dave and Elise don't know what I was lost in at the time, but they knew something was seriously at work in my head. They were the fine line between me and that beautiful slumber. They were my ass kick back into reality. Back into my senses. Thank God for my bestest of friends. The true pain killers.

Than their is Katie. A girl I am falling for. I keep struggling with it though. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to be hurt. Is Molly right? If she is, I don't want to poison Katie. I don't want to hurt her. I've even shoved Danielle out of my life and this is hurting her. I shut Kelli out for the time being. The only three I have opened up to are Dave, Katie and Elise, and they are completly ignorant to what is fully going on. I keep arguing that I am not a failure. That I am a good guy. Someone who cares for his friends and says what needs to be said even if it hurts them. As long as it helps them. But Molly's word are sharper than my own. They cut deeper and I keep finding myself agreeing with them.

Katie and I kissed the other night. I was her first kiss ever. Whoa... I am someones first kiss. Kinda feels nice, but it hurts. I apologized for being her first kiss today at work. She looked at me confused and I couldn't tell her why. I don't even know exactly why I apologized. I just know that I feel like I took something from her, and if I hurt her in the end, she won't have that back. Kinda like Molly and I. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ANYMORE! HOW DO I STOP!? GOD DAMN ME. ARGHHHH. I am emotionally breaking down. I am loosing it. I have no holiday cheer. At all. I could give a damn about anything anymore. I may have failed my classes cause of this too. I don't care that I forget to bring my final project to school on saturday for drawing I. I don't care that I might be retaking History I because I fucked up the exam. JESUS CHIRST. WHERE DID I GO WRONG!?

Where does this train end. I want off. I want to walk back to the good life. I want to be good... I want to be looked up to again. Known as "Marc. The one nice guy that exists anymore." But I can't. Not now. No body even knows have the shit in my head right now. I can't see light anymore. It's so dark here. So lonely.