It's been quite a while since I have vented here. My heart has been broken and torn up over and over this week by one special girl. By her.

We broke up a few months ago. She was blowing me off everyday to spend time with other guys. Everyday. She would then call me at the end of the night to talk to me for 15 minutes. As if that was all I was worth to her anymore. On our 2 years, she promised me we would talk. I would get a time to call her, or be given a time she would call. Each time it was "Later" or "Sorry I was busy, I was gonna call honostly." She blew me off and then after the WHOLE day of this, she made plans that night to go out with some guys who showed up at her door. She said she wouldn't be back in until after midnight. I told her if she hung up with me and walked out that door with those guys, it showed how important I actually was to her, and I was gonna end it. She didn't care. This wasn't even a dent into her cold heart. She was selfish and uncaring of my love for her and pain I was going through day after day of this. I broke up with her. On our 2 year. After I spent the day with her family at family camp. Who knew it would be the last time I would look at that family as if it were my own. Giving Betsy piggy back rides from camp to the bottom of camp. Helping her collect sticks for the rabbits. Playing in the creek. Sitting around shooting the shit with everyone. The family I grew to love like my own.


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! #&%*! %@#( *@!& %_)^#@&!*

I screamed that night I left her. I cried so hard. I bawled my eyes out and my Mom came and pulled me into her bedroom to talk. I told her everything. Everything that ever hurt. She knows everything about Molly and I now. She knows everything I stood for about her. Everything I wanted to be for her. Everything I despised that happened to her with the rape, and cheating. The cheating... oh god... My Mom told me a story about My Father and Her. She understood how I felt. More than I thought she would.

I prayed for the first time in who knows how long. I prayed harder then I prayed the night I thought about ending everything. Way back in the winter after Charity and I fell apart. I prayed to God; "Lord if you really are there. Show me. Have compassion on Me. On her. Make everything right and the way it should be." Well, I don't know what I believe in anymore. I lost my love, my life that night.

I saw her the weekend of Thanksgiving. We returned our stuff. We talked. We kisses. We cuddled. It was suppose to bring closure and understaning to everything.

After that, we were friends again. We were happy with each other as much as I missed her. I worried about her. To the point where it scared me about her new lifestyle. Sleeping with a guy who drinks all the time. He drinks, gets drunk, and comes into her room and passes out with her in bed. This was ok to her. He had a gf. He cheated on his girlfriend with her. Not just playing around but fucking her. She used him as a Sexual Relief and vice versa. That was the agreement. *sighs* SHe has changed so much. She thinks she is a grown up now. But in reality she is just a Brat poisoned by freedom and the ability to get guys into bed with her. That isn't Molly. Her cousin even has called her some rotten names. As if she was a shame to the name of Wyns. Why is it she changed. She was such a good person when I met her. Now she is ... this. A monster living in the north keeping captive my heart.

We had a falling out last week. I finally couldn't contain my pain and anger any longer and shouted stuff on her voice mail I regret more then anything out of that entire relationship. She hung up on me, and blamed me for our relationship. As if I made her cheat on me, and break my trust over and over and over. As if I was the reason. Well that means I am a failure. Like my father. I drove her to cheat on me. I drove her to all her wrongs. I wasn't there for her. I was a bad boyfriend.

We have been at each other's throats non stop since then on her journal. A HUGE blog war. I am torn apart by the words "I regret ever going out with you." That's the only thing that plays in my head when I think of her. My heart bursts into flames each time too. I shut everyone out this last two weeks. I felt useless to this world. Especially last night. Kelli and Molly both made me feel like shit. My used to be best friends. Both left me. Kelli and I haven't been close since Dave came along. Mike and Kelli even. Dave is my friend but he needs to seriously start growing up and understanding he can't live off other people. Kelli needs to quit supporting him. Molly said some pretty nasty things about him and she doesn't even know him. Kelli says nasty things about Molly to me. But when they both jumped on me at my weakest of times, the time I would need a friend the most, it was to much for me to handle. I broke down inside. Majorly.

For the first time in years I felt so worthless. I felt like they would be happier if I didn't exist. I felt like ending it again. I honostly wanted to drink myself to death. I didn't want to wake up the next day. Not alive, which would be a step above how I have felt recently. For the first time, I wanted to end my world for theirs. What good is a piece of shit like me in this world. If all I am is a regret to the one girl I loved more than life itself. If by caring for all my friends evenly, and doing what's best for all of them I was a dick for. It's a good thing Dave and Elise were there. Dave and Elise don't know what I was lost in at the time, but they knew something was seriously at work in my head. They were the fine line between me and that beautiful slumber. They were my ass kick back into reality. Back into my senses. Thank God for my bestest of friends. The true pain killers.

Than their is Katie. A girl I am falling for. I keep struggling with it though. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to be hurt. Is Molly right? If she is, I don't want to poison Katie. I don't want to hurt her. I've even shoved Danielle out of my life and this is hurting her. I shut Kelli out for the time being. The only three I have opened up to are Dave, Katie and Elise, and they are completly ignorant to what is fully going on. I keep arguing that I am not a failure. That I am a good guy. Someone who cares for his friends and says what needs to be said even if it hurts them. As long as it helps them. But Molly's word are sharper than my own. They cut deeper and I keep finding myself agreeing with them.

Katie and I kissed the other night. I was her first kiss ever. Whoa... I am someones first kiss. Kinda feels nice, but it hurts. I apologized for being her first kiss today at work. She looked at me confused and I couldn't tell her why. I don't even know exactly why I apologized. I just know that I feel like I took something from her, and if I hurt her in the end, she won't have that back. Kinda like Molly and I. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ANYMORE! HOW DO I STOP!? GOD DAMN ME. ARGHHHH. I am emotionally breaking down. I am loosing it. I have no holiday cheer. At all. I could give a damn about anything anymore. I may have failed my classes cause of this too. I don't care that I forget to bring my final project to school on saturday for drawing I. I don't care that I might be retaking History I because I fucked up the exam. JESUS CHIRST. WHERE DID I GO WRONG!?

Where does this train end. I want off. I want to walk back to the good life. I want to be good... I want to be looked up to again. Known as "Marc. The one nice guy that exists anymore." But I can't. Not now. No body even knows have the shit in my head right now. I can't see light anymore. It's so dark here. So lonely.

Molly... I think she has cheated on me again. She is acting really weird. She would rather spend time all day and night at these guys apartments. She doesn't show any love or care in her voice towards me on the phone. Now, I thought I was over reacting but just as I get done asking her about it, a guy walks in and she goes "HEY!!!! HOW ARE YOU!?" She sees him all the time and talks with him all day, but with me, it's like she would rather NOT be on the phone.

Does she even care about me anymore? If she does, then why don't I have the girlfriend I have always had untill recently? I think guilt is building up inside of her. If she is infact cheating on me, I hope she gets what is coming to her. I hope she looses everything that she at one time held sacred. I hope she realizes she is being such a slut. If she isn't cheating on me... I hope she realizes she is about to loose me. If she doesn't change soon, I don't know if I can stay with her. It's as if I am just this chain holding her down, when she is trying to be free.

Is she really being selfish? Wanting to have fun and be free and premiscuous, but being so selfish she doesn't want me to do the same? That's not love... that's greed and selfishness. I heard something from a friend of hers. She thinks they are friends, but he honostly can't stand her. He says, she has had a new cock every day. He and their other high school class mate are taking bets on her. But, she thinks it's so cool to be wanted by half the guy population. It prolly turns her on. My gawd... she is such a... UGH. WHY CAN'T SHE JUST ME DEDICATED AND HONOSTLY QUIT THINKING WITH HER FUCKING CUNT! JESUS CHRIST. I HATE THIS. I wish sometimes I never lost Charity... Charity wouldn't put me through this. That is why she broke up with me... so she wouldn't do this to me. Charity, I was wrong... forgive me. I finally understand why you did that to me so long ago. Because you did love me. Molly... if she does love me... she will show it and protect us with all her soul, heart and mind.

So the last week I have been in a deep state of thought. I am screaming inside and it feels like I have yet to even let any of it out. I can't talk to Molly about it any more. There is nothing she can really say that I haven't heard or to make me believe her anymore. I know I love her. I think I have proved to everyone how much I do. A few of my friends have talked to me about it and really, non of them know what to say. Everyone has been in total disbelief about it, even Molly's cousin Brian. Zach says things that usually don't help me. He may have a point but I DON'T want to break it off with her. That's the last thing I want.

Although, if I knew she was going to do this to me eventually I wouldn't have gotten with her period. How does that make sense? She does this to me and I want to stay with her? If I knew I wouldn't have gotten with her. *sigh* GOD DAMN IT SHE IS SUCH A WHORE SOMETIMES!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! God I hope she never reads this. That's what I want to say sometimes to her. Like tonight. She really knows how to make me sad.

My friend Justin is this kick ass guitarist who was born to late to actually invent the guitar but he would have if he could have. He knows everything and anything about Rock n Roll. Rock n Roll is the only way to live according to Molly. Justin is a stud. He is Molly's height, and IMO is a sexy man-beast. Well Molly is always "JUSTIN THIS JUSTIN THAT!" and it drives me crazy. She snags my phone and calls to talk to Justin and just talking to him I swear to god she would cream herself. I almost broke up with her because I was getting really sick of this whole flip out and act like other guys are her bread and butter. A few weeks ago I asked her to stop and for the most part she has. Tonight I hung up on her 3 times (`_` I think 3) because she kept making sexual references to Justin. GRRR.... She thinks its funny when I get upset about it but I am seriously getting pissed off. My girlfriend isn't loyal, self-dued, under controll and I would say emotionless but fuck she has enough emotions it seems. Maybe we need to break up. *sigh* She has my senior sweater, the blanket my mom made in High School and my bracelet and necklaces. I would never get any of it back if I did for one. Two I would loose a major support in my life and three, my heart would fall to pieces. I love her but god damn it, why did I have to fall in love with someone who can't keep dirty thoughts of other men out of her mind. Why did I have to fall in love with such a sleeze... While playing a video game I heard something that is all to true and I should have applied it to Molly and I.

"If a Vizier is treachorous against his own lord serving you, then don't take him in for he will be treachorous to you too."

If you don't understand what it's saying it's along the same lines as:

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Man I am glad I have this because saying this all makes me feel somewhat better. *sigh* I hate my life anymore...

I wonder if she is trying to push me away? Today was bad. One of our worse days together. Things between us are different. The lies are gone but the tension is high. She would be in a really good mood one second, then instantly she was yelling at me. Again I felt in the wrong. Maybe it's me... maybe we are to brake up in the end?

I honostly don't think college will work. She is VERY obsessive over guys. Worse then Sara, Brittney and even Charity. Anything out of her mouth is usually about another guy. Whether she's creaming over one, or constantly talking about one. It's really un-attractive.

I'm starting to see the single life again. She didn't ever care today when I was upset or hurt. She failed test one. Go figure, I'm still not worth a struggle or fight.

What happened was we were in the basement and she started to get pissy when I was trying to make her in a good mood. She was REALLY negative towards everyone. Me, her dad, her sister. Her dad asked us to walk to the store and I said sure but she didn't want to. She came anyways. The WHOLE way there (which takes about 15-20 minutes) she didn't look at me or say a word. She walked ahead of me and eventually I just stopped hoping she would turn around and even look at me. She didn't. She kept going. We got to the store and got what we needed.

On the way back was when the fire started. We started getting into arguements about our relationship. I told her how I felt and I threw Mark and Scott and her betrayel back in her face. She claimed she was sorry but she can't change anything. When I told her she needed to change herself she said she has tried and I brought up how she didn't even bother trying to make me happy when I was hurt by her. She didn't have anything to really say to it. I let her know that was the first step and she still hadn't even taken it. I can't see us staying together. Infact I want to brake up with her and just save myself the trouble but a big part of me still believes things will work. She can change... maybe I can learn to trust again? I love her so much. If I lost her now I loose more then just a girlfriend. I loose a best friend. A lover. A companion.

I've lost the feeling that comes with imagining my kids. The kids I dreamt about one day having with Molly. I used to be able to close my eyes and think of the son(s), or daughter(s) I wanted to have so badly with her. Now I try to imagine this, and alas, nothing. Not a smile, an image or a feeling of hapiness. Not even a hope. I feel nothing. Could this be linked to the complete loss of trust and hope for Molly and I? Do we even stand a chance anymore? It seemed before, when I could trust her, before all of her lies and infedilities, I was the happiest I have ever been. She brought out someone in me that hasn't seen the light of the world since about 3rd grade. I was in love.

My dreams about her were limitless. Anything anyone could ever want I dreamt was possible. The pain I have endured and the constant screams of my heart now makes a bullet wound seem like nothing. Yet... sometimes I wish I could've welcome one before all of this. That is if I knew this was going to hurt this much. That is, knowing that this was going to hurt this much. I'm mumb. My hope for change, for the faith of the entire human race is gone. Can people really change? Can a repeated constants mistake strengthen the weakness of one's will? Or is it true? "

Constant grinding can turn even an iron rod into a needle."

The Pain has subsided. Right now this flame of anger is in my control. I froze it in the bottom of my heart. It's only a matter of time though, until an explosion occurs. My icey cold heart. Something I melted a long time ago.

The first girl I ever loved taught me to have faith. Not just in God, but in the ones I love. She taught me a lot actually. I am who I am because of her. One thing to this day I never learned though was how to "forgive and forget". Not even for her.

Her and I haven't been together for almost 3 years now. What was once love between us in now only a memory to our families and closest friends. It doesn't even exist anymore. Well, not the same love we had anyways. I can only see her like my little bratty sister. Nothing more. But I still never learned to forgive her.

How do I forgive Molly now? I can't even forgive and forget something that doesn't even matter to me anymore. Is it even possible to "forgive" if you can't "forget"?

"Everything will fall apart. Even the people who never frown will eventually brake down." ~ Pushing Me Away by Linkin Park

How long can I go on like this? Ignore it and it will go away? This is actually the little "theory" that caused this pain and assualt on my heart... my soul.

"The sacrafice of never knowing...." ~Pushing Me Away by Linkin Park

If I never knew what Molly did would I have to "forgive and forget"? Or is it actually better to know what kind of person she really is before I decide one day to give my heart to her? Before I devote my life to her? Even if it means loosing her? For all I know she can do it again behind my back and not tell me about it. She could get away with it again. How do I know she won't do it again?

I have heard the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater". Is this true?

I mean I understand that once you have cheated on someone, you can NEVER EVER say "I have never cheated on anyone" again. But does this mean that if they have cheated once they will cheat again? I just don't know...